there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
