i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
