Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
