i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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