I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
