I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
