The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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