i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
