he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
