my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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