Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
