hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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