I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
