you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
