I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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