So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
