Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
