The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
