Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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