There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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