goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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