roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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