I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
