Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
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Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
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My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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