I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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