no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
