i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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