Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
