bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
