Just fell off a train. Bad.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
