Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
