Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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