Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
