I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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