What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
