I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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