he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
