guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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