i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
