I like my sex mixed with concussions.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
