Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Congratulations! We have a period
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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