I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My breasts were aching with rage.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
