I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
