I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Randomize
