i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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