My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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