Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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