Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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