2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
