I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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