I accidentally had phone sex last night
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
