after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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