At least make sure they are 18
Why
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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