i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
