i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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