Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
