i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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