I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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