mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
